I believe I am going to be alright by June 1, as I have said before, but it will take a bit of work to get there with the bills and everything else I am working on.
Next month will be a busy one for me, not just with working, but other commitments I have made. It will be alright and I am ready to do what needs to be done, so I am not worried.
I am feeling a bit nostalgic today as I sit here online and type. I know the past is gone, but it would be nice to go back and review what it was like back then so I can use those lessons for the future.
I haven't mentioned this, but I have found someone I am in love with...so far, that love has only manifested itself online because the one I love and who loves me is still very shy.
Our relationship began as a friendship and grew through role play...and she shocked me when she admitted that she had strong feelings for me at the beginning of the year....and I for her.
Though, she lives maybe a 5 hour drive away from me in the state below and west of me, we have never spoken on the phone, exchanged pictures OR done any of the normal relationship things others do, even in long distance relationships...I often feel that this is a shadow thing and that she isn't always real...and she is very shy and won't tell me things unless I drag it out of her. I have to ask her for every morsel of information that I get. I am working on it though.
I think she is also worried because, until now she has never liked women...and I have liked both for a very long time, I just normally gravitate towards men mostly. My last relationship with a woman wasn't a healthy one for either myself or the woman who loved me....my only wish and goal for that woman was for her to find real happiness that I couldn't give her.
Anyway, I am working on my girl and I am hoping that it works out, and if it doesn't then I am looking at one hell of a wonderful friend for life because she is a beautiful soul and I love keeping those around me as long as we are able.
By the end of this month, I am hoping to get my routines for work down and get myself back into good habits and out of the bad. It will not be easy, but I want to do these things for myself to make life better in the coming months and years.
I have learned in the last 6 months that I NEVER want to be on unemployment again. I hate it, I learned that I don't like being helped by my aunt who selflessly sent me money she worked hard for her entire life. It made me feel horrible to know that she loves me enough to do this for me, and I never want her to feel she has to do this again.
I learned that I like making my own money and I like paying my own bills and being responsible for myself.
I also learned that I hate this apartment and want out as soon as I can find a better and safer place to live with Emma. I want a place with room for me and life.
I also figured out that the things I enjoy in life can wait until the bills are paid and I can afford them, but I can find cheaper things to enjoy in life too.
I also need to catch up on my email and make some new email pals. It is tiring not having people to chat with and laugh with online that aren't facebook pals who are often busy doing a thousand other things in the world. I also miss my friend Nej's fun and insightful conversations.
I miss chatting with people about books and other fun things. I also miss the friends I had made in other realms whom I never get to chat with anymore. It is sad that we all went our separate ways, but that is the way of it, you move on and make more friends and hope that the ones of the past are happy.
Since I began my new job, many have asked me about the job I had that fired me...wanting to know about the place. I have mentioned this to my boss and told her that I really do not want to talk about the place because I think it is unfair to do so now. To me, that part is gone, and anyone who wishes to work there can find out on their own what it is like to work there....while it was a good company, it was the employees that made the company hard for me, and I do not wish to speak ill of them or the employees in question because it is bad karma.
The real reasons are in my memory and I have moved on and wish that company no ill will, and that the person behind the actual reasons somehow finds goodness. I also know that karma works both ways and that she will get what she throws out threefold and I will not see it, nor do I care to.
I learned to move on and I learned that I am NOT the person she painted me to be back then. I know I don't have an attitude problem, and I am good at what I do. I am a hard worker and I am a great person on top of that...and anyone who says otherwise is wrong. I have moved on and that is that!! The reason can drive someone else crazy, talk bad about me and throw others under the bus all she wants....it is her karma she is dealing with, and as for mine...I am going to go about my business my way and worry about ME!!!
Anyway, my next goals in life are to fix the financial, get into a routine, work as hard as I can, and get my life clean, organized and refreshed by November. Not an easy task, but I am sure it can be done if I just keep going right?
I am also going to start doing some basic writing again and attempting to keep this blog updated as much as I can!