03 December 2012

Why Laziness?

There's a point in my life where I need to stop and figure out why I keep loosing jobs,  living paycheck to paycheck and living in a chaotic environment and following the same patterns of personal destruction.

Prime example...I bought an organizer for my life in August. The goal of this organizer was to actually get myself on some sort of schedule of life that would make things easier.  I used it until November then....Nothing, nada.

Once I lost my job, it seemed easier to just set the thing aside and not continue using it.

Why did I buy it in the first place? Simple, I wanted to set goals, accomplish them and keep record of WHAT I needed to do to accomplish things in my life.

I wrote in this very blog about how I wanted to accomplish things in my life, from personal to financial to writing.  I have not accomplished anything I set out to do.

Another example was getting up and actually cleaning my house from front to back, except the bedroom...it is now dirty again.  I have let things go again and am not giving myself the opportunity to keep things organized and in good shape.

I stopped getting up at 7 am and sleep until 10 am or 11, wasting the best part of the day to get things done!  I could be up early, dressed and OUT there looking when there isn't anything online to apply for, but I am not doing it.  The question is WHY?

I spend most of my days in pajamas or on the couch not caring about much of anything.  I don't even go grocery shopping much anymore, it is pathetic!  

The question raised at this point is this...what is holding me back? Why am I never motivated to do anything that could make a difference?

I see people out there every day who DO these things, my Fey Queen, for example, is constantly on the move writing, working and doing things I only dream of doing for myself...no, not in the same way she does, but in my own way.  She is complete in herself.

Sharon Lathan is another person who is doing the things I only wish I could do.  She is out there, she is not only writing, but she is making friends and connecting with the real world and sharing hers.  She set goals for herself and she accomplished them.

There is a young man who is now considered an internet star who USES what he has done to gain not fame but a living and to advocate his own rights in the world.  He is very intelligent. I will not give his name because I do not think it is important, but the important thing is that he is DOING and not just sitting back, being lazy.

But this isn't about them, it is about me and what is going on in myself that has me lazy, and fearful of moving forward and making something of myself.  I can't blame anyone but myself because there is no one to blame.

That organizer stays empty because I don't take the time to set new goals and accomplish them.  I don't get off the couch, put on some clothes and go out there and find what it is that will make my life better, or financially sound.

I don't feel like I love myself enough anymore!  I have tried to get that back in bits and pieces, but it just fails in my ability to be lazy.  That is the bottom line!

In my way, I am a beautiful woman...I can write poetry, I have a fantastic story that needs to be written (and yes, I know this and I know it is original!), I know what I want.  

I need to examine this closer.  Laziness is an enemy but it is also my constant companion.  When I get the gumption to get up and do something, I procrastinate or I wait until I am forced to do it...

Then again, there are things that I am forced to do that I do not really want to, my heart isn't in it.  Why?  Possibly because someone WANTS me to do them because it fits their molds of what is expected, and I don't want to do what is expected.  

Maybe the laziness comes from fear.  I never thought I was good enough, or someone scoffed at what I did want to do, making me fearful of actually doing the things I love.

I lived a lot of my life in fear of censure, afraid of what people I love would scoff at or turn their noses up at.  I am sorry, this is true.  People around me looking at me like I am stupid or crazy isn't something that I ever wanted in my life, so I hid things.

Writing is a prime example.  Everyone loves to read, yes it is a hard industry to get into and keep in, many make money and many don't...but the environment I live in will look at the negative and tell me to keep my feet on the ground, that this isn't a good life for me because I won't make money or I may not be good enough.  

So, maybe my laziness is actually a manifestation of fear and the insecurities where writing is concerned...but that leaves the rest of myself....

The physical chaos around me makes me depressed and unhappy.  I do nothing about it.  The answer to that MAY in fact be simple laziness, but what about the rest?  

Is it because in loosing my last job because someone is selfish and stupid and the reasons were so OFF and wrong that I have lost more confidence in myself?  Possibly.

I know I was loosing confidence in myself in the last three years.  Every time I thought I was doing something for the betterment of myself, I failed or someone or something constantly got in the way.  

I know I didn't have any attitude issues at my last job, but I was constantly being put down for my job performance...a job that I confidently did for 16 years!  

And that, may be WHY I am still repairing the damage done by the last company I worked with.  A company that allowed management to damage the confidence of the people who worked for them.

So, what have I learned today?

I am lazy, but the laziness comes from several sources.  Fear, busted confidence and maybe there was depression, but the depression lifted as I was let go of my last job.

What am I going to do about this?

I am going to work on this, slowly but surely.  It is time to break out of my fears of what others think of me and the things I WANT to do with my life, and realize that I am a good person, I am NOT a punching bag for those who do not have a high opinion of themselves.  

It is time I started remembering who I am and what I want of this life.

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