30 June 2011

Too Much-Good and Horrible, Jane Austen and Regency Romance

Times are changing for me.  It seems like I have gone from one extreme to the next.

So much has changed over the past year.  I have gone from living with family and having to rely on a phone for my internet service to living on my own and having a job that cannot support me.

Nine times out of ten, I have had to make the decision on whether or not to eat or pay the electric.  The electric would win out and Ramen was the meal choice for the week.  

I barely could cover my rent and had bounced a few checks, then I became late on my rent.  I hated this.  I am so angry at the fact that no matter what I tried to do financially, I cannot make it at the job that I do like, respect and get frustrated over.

I have suffered terrible headaches in the past year that have kept me wondering if I will survive through the day or night.  I have hidden these well, and attributed them to stress of gaining and loosing friendships in the games I do online called roleplaying.  Then again, one meal a day and my failing eyesight are factors here.  

I am not going blind, and I don't think I am physically ill in any cancerous way...no tumors, but harsh headaches that take me to the point of being suicidal at times.   I know I am slowly getting to the point where I need bi-focals, so I know I am not always going to see very well, it just galls me because this is something I never want to admit.  Who knows, I may end up blind someday anyway.

I digress, to get back to my reasons for posting today. 

I have been so frustrated in the past year with the groups I admin, the people I want to slap from here to common sense and back again, and I have been broke and cannot afford to work at this job.  I also saw no true potential for advancement in recent months.  This was brought to me loud and clear about three weeks ago when I practically begged to replace a girl in her position to get out of the one I am in now, and I was told to wait, only to find out that they were already filling the position that week.  Talk about dashing my hopes of a steady income and knowing that I would have more hours...in a part time job no less!

Anyway, about two or three weeks ago, I went and put in an application for a new drycleaning chain that was opening up and a subdivision of a major corporation of cleaning products-smart move in my opinion.  I went for the interview, did a fabulous job as they told me during the interview and told that I would hear back the next week.

They called, the position had been filled and my application was being put into a file in case they needed help in the future.  I was told that they had picked their first rounds of employees from the people they had to re-locate and from the applicants they had, and it was a stiff competition, but I had still impressed them.  I was devastated and heartbroken!  I wanted that job so bad, I could almost taste it!

Time goes on, my electric is way beyond due, and I was waiting for it to be shut off, my rent was already one month behind and I was getting calls from people wanting money from me.  I was in tears, broke, starving and wishing for a new life at this point.  I had even gotten the newspaper and bookmarked Monster.com just to find something-anything-that was better than living in absolute poverty.

I was going to go ask for State aid just to eat.  I didn't want to, my pride and my honor was fighting this like nobody's business!  A girl at work had even given me the number for the local church who helps people in need by giving them some money for their rent and baskets of food.  As you can guess, my heart was quaking at this, thinking of the people out there who had children and needed this more than I did.  I could live without food, and I could find a way to pay all of the rent if I just worked a few more hours, and that wasn't happening!  Nope, nada, I was not going to gain any quarter from my employers at all!  

I had to call my aunt and tell her that, despite the fact that my license was getting ready to expire, I could not afford to renew it and maybe I could get a state I.D next month because I couldn't afford it.  She offered to pay it, and came to pick me up yesterday to take me to get it done-it was already too late, I have to take the driver's test all over again-ugh!  

As I sat waiting for her, I had already taken care of some business and decided to see who had called me after lunch break while I was working.  It was time to brave another couple of people wanting money from me, and telling them I was not going to be able to do anything about it....well, one call was from the apartment manager....no surprise, I forgot to tell him I was having some troubles.  

The second call floored me.  It was the company who didn't hire me asking if I was still interested in a job!  You can imagine my answer to this one!  YES!!!  

I called them back and we discussed things.  The job is going to be full time and at least $1.25 more an hour than what I am making now!!  I would have to take the bus, and do what was necessary to get through the paperwork and everything, but my family offered to help me with that one.  I sat there, waiting for my aunt, in the parking lot of my job and talking to someone else about getting this new job!!!  It was all I could do to NOT go inside screaming that I was going to give them notice and I was going somewhere else to work!!  

I did tell the guy I work with, who runs our department though and he was happy for me.  Told me to not worry about them, to just be happy that I was going and doing something better for myself.  I felt so good at that moment.

I did contain myself and waited until I got in my aunt's car to tell her....of course I was babbling about talking to the apartment manager about how to go about making the rent and back rent while I waited to start the new job.  My aunt not only gave me the money to renew my license but also the rent money.  

I got home and remembered that I had some money I had pulled out of my account for the rent that I was trying to keep people out of, so I had that plus some money she gave me for groceries.  

I got home, and the electric was out. I owned over $390 and only had $300 for it at the moment.  They took the money and turned my electric back on and now I only owe them a little bit and am set for the month.  

The best part is that my next payday is tomorrow and it is direct deposit.  I now have food money and a little left over to save for the next month's rent.

I still have to pay the rent, but at least I know I have it and I will tell the apartment manager that I won't have this problem in the future.  Who knows, I may be able to afford a luxury or two after a year of living in basic poverty.  I just need to get through the month of July and settle into the month of August and prove to my new bosses and myself that I am worth something!

You see, I have figured myself out. I have been suffering from depression for over three months now.  It is causing lost sleep, bad moods and making decisions that I would never make in my entire life!  I have been a mess!  I can tell I have been depressed and not just tired as I tried to tell everyone around me...my dishes aren't getting washed, my apartment isn't clean, my brain isn't focused and my whole being isn't what I am used to it being.  I actually hate myself and I want to STOP hating myself now!

So, in honor of this monumental decision, I am going to start a new book review blog for myself.  I want to keep this seperate from here and my writing and poetry. 

I have recently re-emerged myself into the land of Jane Austen and have begun a blog called Tea In Austenland, a blog where I discover my favorite author and her novels. I write about her books, herself and the women and men who have written published re-writes, sequels and prequels to her books. I am also writing about her history, the movies that are made and re-made of her works and anything associated with her.  

This is my way of inspiring myself to get into the writing habit and get on with my own novels.
In the course of this, I have discovered a love for Regency Romance.  Who would have thought it possible, ME a lover of Scottish historical romances, some contemporary romances and a lover of most paranormal romance....in love with Regency!  

Ah well, it just goes to show you that a gal has many sides and facets to herself and she has yet to discover all of them.

Anyway, to get back to it, I have started reviewing the Regencies there, but I am thinking that maybe I need a seperate blog for that whole genre...then again, there are only 7 novels in Jane's library of books, and Elizabeth Gaskell has some great ones, but not many. So why not? Then again, there are 1,000s of Jane fanfiction to review and write about, what is a little new blog about Regency and Romance in general among friends? ~g

I will think about this for a while, and decide if I want to continue writing a real life blog and just take what I have and import it elsewhere.  I am not sure yet.  I want to do it, and I know I can, I just need to find time to read through all of the roleplaying I do.

Which brings me to the last year and a half.  I have been roleplaying characters from two authors I  love.  I will not say who they are and give it away, but just say that until now I have enjoyed playing these characters and have become the leader of two very wonderful groups of players.  

The imaginations of these people are so amazing that I cannot begin to describe it at all! I love being around such creativity and working side by side with people who want to bring joy to the world is so much fun!

I do own and run another group under my pen name of Raven Pegasus.  It is a roleplaying group I created that is designed to help me in my writing.  The six people who help me with Clan Raven are amazing and I trust them with my life.  

The writing is setting up to be a novel or series of novels based on witches and their abilities.  Each character has an element and a personality that rivals the person playing them.  I am loving this and we are going to work on getting our first storyline set up in the near future.  The players have already started establishing themselves among the fans and people are flocking to it already, not much, but enough to get them fired up.

I will not say more except that this is on Facebook and that the group is my family as much as the other two.  I am looking forward to seeing where they help me go!  I want this so bad I can taste it! I can see this working and this going somewhere amazing and wonderful and I cannot wait to settle into the writing part of it.

With this new turn in my life, and getting this new job, I am also looking into writing some Regency Romance myself.  I have some ideas on it and on what I truly want to do with the writing.  

I have some great books on how to write a book and some great sites on the internet bookmarked to help me on my journey.  

I have even adopted a new pen name for my Regency writing and for whatever else I do outside of Clan Raven.  I may even use this name for Clan Raven, not sure yet, but I  know this will work itself out someday soon.

I also had my first poem published in a Pagan magazine.  This magazine was just launched and it was a total pleasure to be part of the first issue.  It is an e-zine and wonderfully written and managed by a wonderful new friend.  I can't wait to do more.  I have a ton of them now as we speak and enough to give her to last quite a while.  

While my world is going up and down, I am striving to be better.  

I am going to form new habits and make everything work again.  It is time to get organized, and cleaned up.  I will spend some of this weekend working towards that goal.

They say it takes two weeks to gain a new good habit and one day to break it.  I will work on making it so it is impossible to break these new habits.  

I think I need to dust off my organizer, go online and see if I can find something more to supplement my income and to start cleaning out my life for good!  

It is time for that permanent house cleaning and  permanent mental attitude adjustment, and I am so ready for this one!

It is also time I started acting as I want to act, be as I want myself to be, and not some nasty thing I look at in the mirror!  I want to be that person I started out trying to be eons ago when I had decided the first time that I wasn't going to be that disorganized, ugly, unsophisticated person I was.  

I also think it's time to use my intelligence to its fullest capacity and stop wishing others would just get smarter or less rude or less ignorant of what they say and what they do.  

I want to be this newer person, and I want to save my money so I can afford something better by next year.  A place where I don't have to worry about being cramped or hearing neighbors slam doors.

I am so ready for this to begin, it isn't even funny!

I just want to be the person I am meant to be and not stop at just that!  I want to write, read, live, eat, and be who I truly am for the first time in my life!

I am so ready for some good to start in my life and to go down smiling and knowing that in the end, I didn't break, I bent just slightly and I remained though I was changed for the better.  That is what I want the most.  

That, and to accomplish my greatest dreams, even if it is only for myself.

Yes, this has been too much for me...this life until now...but changes are coming and coming fast, and I look forward to them.

Now I am off to read Stephanie Sloane.  I think I like this Regency Romance writer a lot!


emmsifop said...

Hi, this moved me! I am job hunting at the moment, and I am lucky that my parents are letting me live with them in the meantime. Thing is, it is like regressing back to being a child and being told what to do, but needs must! I am job hunting now, applying for any admin job I can find in my local area. I can't drive yet as I need money to learn, so the job is priority. It's a cycle, isn't it?! Money to eat, eat to work, work to earn money, money to eat... I hate it, but it is true.

I'm glad you came out of your stormy time. I am terrified of not being able not afford the basics in the coming years, but I'll keep applying and trying. x

Karol Lynn said...

Keep your head held high!! Remember, Jane Austen did and look what she accomplished in her almost 40 years of life!

We must do these things to live, but we also do them for our own dignity.

I will pray you find a job soon, and I want to hear the news that you got it as soon as you get it!!!

Stay strong and have faith1